Famous Historical Events Actually Caused by Ninjas

I am putting my life in grave danger by revealing these secrets.

Unbeknownst to mankind, many of the world’s most famous events didn’t happen as written in the history books.

They were in fact caused by Ninjas.

4400 BC – Horses Domesticated

 Ninjas cause Domesticated Horse

Necessity is the mother of invention. When Ninjas are after you, people get inventive, fast.

Historians claim that early man domesticated the horse in order to ease labor, and to help with keeping track of their herds of animals.

The truth is, riding a horse is as close as early man could come to outrunning a Ninja. Still not fast enough, but they tried.

 48 BC – 642 AD – Library of Alexandria Destroyed 4 times

Library of Alexandria destroyed by Ninjas

The world’s great center of knowledge. Said to contain a history of the world dating from before the biblical flood. The Library of Alexandria collected knowledge from all over the known world.

However, once it gained some of the key secrets of the Ninja, it had to be destroyed.

After the first time Alexandria was “accidentally” burned by Julius Caesar, the scholars of Alexandria didn’t learn their lesson. It took 3 more times (attack of Aurelian in 270 AD, decree of Pope Theophilus in 391 AD and the Muslim conquest in 642 AD) before Alexandria finally learned that stealing the ancient secrets of the Ninja is not a good idea.

While all 4 of these incidents have very plausible explanations, the real cause is obvious. Ninjas.

1300s AD – The Plague (aka Black Death)

The Plague aka Black Death

While fleas are incredibly annoying, there’s no way they could be responsible for killing half the population of Europe.

Even the name, Black Death, suggests the real cause has always been known, as there is nothing more deadly or more associated with the color black than the Ninja.

It’s no coincidence that Marco Polo travelled through Asia in 1271 and shortly after European’s started dropping like flies.

What really happened is this:

While travelling through eastern China, Marco Polo happened to run up a sizable gambling debt amongst the fishermen of a small fishing village. He found their games of chance quaint and enjoyable, however he couldn’t pay the bill. Claiming diplomatic immunity he skipped town in the middle of the night and continued on his famous journey.

The fishermen were enraged at this though. The fact that the games were all rigged was besides the point.

The penalty for welching on a bet was of course death, but they had no way to find him. One of the fisherman had a brother whose cousin’s sister’s great uncle knew some people who could take care of something like this. These people were of course, Ninja.

Since most of the fisherman were drunk at the time all they could remember was that the man was really pale and lived in some land far to the west. Their instructions, however, were very specific. Kill him very painfully but make it look like an accident or some sort of disease so it can never be traced back to us.

After killing half of the population of Europe, the 3 Ninjas hired for the task decided that this pale man from the west was probably dead, even if only from old age.

In order to really sell it as a disease though the Ninjas and their ancestors had to continue the charade for the next 300 years, until medical science advanced enough to come up with some plausible way to stop “The Plague”, at which point their contract had been fulfilled.

 

1775 – 1783 AD – The American Revolution and “Guerrilla” warfare

American Revolution changed by Ninjas

In the beginning of the American Revolution, the Colonists had a lot of trouble fighting the British with standard European military tactics.

At the time, battles were very orderly affairs where the troops lined up, much like American Football, and just charged and shot at each other until one side quit or was destroyed. Whoever was left was the winner. Much “honor” and “etiquette” was involved.

The problem was that the British had more troops. The Colonists couldn’t win by fighting according to these rules alone.

They started using what are now known as “guerrilla” tactics, although this is not what they were called at the time. These tactics involve a “hit-and-run” kind of approach, which included sniping from trees, destroying supply trains and many other covert means to wear down or kill the enemy while taking few or no losses of your own.

It is said the colonists got this idea from the Native Americans who used similar tactics. This is purely myth however, as these tactics (sniping, covert hidden maneuvers, etc.) clearly originated from the Ninja, which is where the Native Americans also learned them from.

 

1793 – 1815 – The Rise and Fall of Napoleon

Napoleon in Victory Thanks to Ninjas

Napoleon’s meteoric rise to fame as an undefeatable general and Emperor of France can only be explained by the assistance of Ninjas.

But what the Ninjas giveth they also taketh away.

Growing arrogant from his victories, Napoleon renounced the Ninjas in the beginning of 1814.

Within a year, he lost the title of Emperor, got exiled from France twice and lost the battle of Waterloo.

The only reason he was allowed to live was that the Ninja deemed it a worse torture for him endure his utter defeat and humiliation. However, it wasn’t uncommon for extremely painful and sometimes debilitating poisons to get slipped into his food for no explainable reason. It is noted in Napoleon’s autopsy reports of the time that his hair contained abnormally high levels of arsenic.

Throughout all of man’s history the tides of fate have been controlled by the silent bringers of death, the Ninja. From the shadows they control the advance or destruction of civilizations, the rise and fall of rulers; they direct the course of history.

I expect to be captured or assasinated very soon for revealing this, but the truth must be known.

One Response to “Famous Historical Events Actually Caused by Ninjas”

Read below or add a comment...

  1. CJ Mojica says:

    Wow! Thanks, the Horses Domesticated picture was a help to my Social Studies Homework! Thank you!! <3


What'chu Talkin' 'bout Willis?