Get ready for the absolute worst Valentine’s Day gifts ever conceived by man.
Any one of these is a guarantee that your Facebook status will change to “single” by February 15th. Combined, it is possible they could start World War III.
Think you can top these? Feel free to put them in the comments.
#1: Chocolate Covered Bathroom Scale
“Dear Sara, Honey, I know you love chocolate. That is why I picked this gift especially for you this Valentine’s Day. I also know you started that diet recently to shed all the weight you gained over Christmas. Since you love chocolate so much I know you’ll really love this new scale I bought you. Love, Darren (Recently found in his kitchen, having accidentally fallen on a steak knife 37 times)”
Learn from Darren’s mistake. Don’t buy anything practical or “helpful” for your significant other on Valentine’s Day. And definitely NEVER refer to her weight. Ever.
#2: Two-Person Hoodie
When you get tired of secretly stalking your girlfriend like a crazy person and you can’t afford a private detective to do it for you, you have one last option…
Become her Siamese twin.
Let’s face it. You have no idea what she wants for Valentines Day. You could get her the same old heart-shaped box with chocolates, or a stuffed animal; but last year, although she seemed overjoyed by the gifts, you found them tucked in the bottom of the trash bag a week later.
So, what to do?
“Hey!”, you say to yourself, “Why don’t I just give her some cash and she can pick out whatever she wants?”
Yeah, you’ve got yourself an awesome idea there! Be really classy and leave it on the night stand for her to find when she wakes up.
#4: Plan Her Funeral
Demonstrate to her that you are truly committed to this relationship. Till death do you part.
#5: Diamond Encrusted Toilet Seat
I really don’t know what to say on this one. It kind of speaks for itself.
Although, I did hear that Ben Affleck gave one of these to Jennifer Lopez for Valentine’s Day, except with real diamonds.
J-Lo denies it, but that’s probably because she broke up with him and melted it down to make these:
#6: Bra Inserts
He wanted to get something romantic, that would improve her self esteem. A real change of pace from the usual flowers and candy.
He was so excited about the gift he couldn’t wait to reveal it and insisted she wear it to the romantic dinner he had planned that night at her favorite restaurant.
John knew she really liked it by the way her face turned completely red when she unwrapped it.
On the way to the restaurant that night Cheryl needed to make a quick stop at the local grocery store. John was impatient to get to the restaurant because they were running late on their reservation but he decided to humor her this time since it was Valentine’s Day.
Cheryl said she would be in and out so to just wait in the car and keep the engine running so they could leave right away. John agreed and waited, although he was very curious as to what she was getting.
He couldn’t help but crane his neck and look in the grocery store window to see what she was doing. She went straight to the checkout stand and started talking with the clerk.
“Probably getting some gum,” he thought, “must be worried about bad breath.”
A short time later Cheryl came out holding her hands behind her back and smiled at him. As she opened the door she tossed something in his lap and said,
“Can you wear that to dinner tonight?”
I hope everyone out there has been educated on what NOT to buy their girlfriend or wife for Valentine’s day. I didn’t cover gifts for guys particularly. Mostly because they aren’t as funny. Feel free to add your own terrible gift ideas in the comments below if you think you know some better ones.